ZingB

We asked readers to channel their inner Carolyn Hax and answer this question. Some of the best responses are below.

Dear Carolyn: My wife and I are friends with several couples, but one has been closer to us than the rest. Over the past year, my wife and that couple have frequently had more meaningful conversations and experiences together than with me. Not surprisingly, when a traumatic event occurred, the couple sought out my wife to share the details. Just like my wife, I was available by phone but was still left out by the three.

When I expressed my disappointment with being excluded again, I was accused of being controlling over them. As the couple said, it wasn’t necessary to call me. I desire to be an equal partner in the friendship circle. I see them as my best friends. However, I’m raw over everyone’s continuing inability to address the disconnection I feel with them. How do I get to a place of well-being within me and with my wife and the couple?

Advertisement

— Discouraged Fourth Wheel

Discouraged Fourth Wheel: Your feelings of exclusion are no doubt hurtful, but please consider what you have said. Your friends went through what you have termed a “traumatic” experience. They called your wife for support and your response was to think of yourself and your exclusion rather than their trauma and express your disappointment about your treatment. Perhaps there is an answer there.

Look within. Maybe the couple called your wife because she has the ability to provide support and friendship without judgment at a difficult time and not make it at all about her. Another response to what happened could have been: “My wife shared that you are going through a difficult time; I made dinner for you. Can I bring it by?” Or: “I picked up gift cards to DoorDash and a spa for massages that I thought would help.”

Advertisement

If you want to connect with them, the best way to do that is to show them you genuinely care. The connection will come when they feel that and want to reciprocate. It’s terrible to feel left out, but if you genuinely want to be part of this close trio, you need to swallow your feelings and try to determine what about your interactions with them led them to exclude you.

Do you have other close friends who turn to you in times of need? Are you someone people seek out for advice? It doesn’t mean you are a bad person if they do not. It might only mean you need to better develop your listening skills and tap into empathy more often. Also, when someone is going through something traumatic, they rarely react with the intention of hurting anyone else — they are hanging on by a thread and doing the best they can. Giving them grace is a wonderful action of friendship (and empathy).

— Look Within

Advertisement

Discouraged Fourth Wheel: Unfortunately, you’ll need to accept that they’re more your wife’s friends than yours. Or at least they’re closer with your wife than they are with you. I say this with all the sympathy in the world. For years, I thought my and my husband’s friend group were “our friends” until finally realizing they were his good friends who were polite and inclusive for his wife. That realization hurt like crazy and left me feeling like I had no friends at all, but the truth was that I just wasn’t as compatible with them as my husband was.

Friendships aren’t like joint checking accounts where spouses both put in resources and are entitled to equal access. Sometimes people just “click” more with one half of a couple. That hurts, but it’s also normal and there’s nothing wrong with it. You aren’t entitled to be treated as being close with this couple just because they’re close with your wife; their friendship isn’t a joint resource. So let your wife be close friends with this couple without resentment or trying to demand equal access.

Instead, spend that energy seeking out and nurturing your own connections. Enjoy your time with this other couple as you always have done, but look elsewhere if you want something deeper.

Advertisement

— Needed to Make My Own Friends

Discouraged Fourth Wheel: You say you are “raw over everyone’s continuing inability to address the disconnection,” but also stated that you did address it and their response was that you were trying to control them. The issue was addressed, but you were just not happy with the response (understandably). It seems clear that this couple and your wife are friends and that you are included as your wife’s partner. If you’ve had friends divorce before, you’ve seen how sometimes one spouse gets the friends. In this case, I expect your wife would be the one to remain close with this particular couple.

How would it feel if you accepted this? Could you reimagine getting together with these folks and thinking of them as friends of your wife who are happy to include you in fun activities, but who emotionally are closer to your wife? Could you spend more time cultivating your own friendships that aren’t so one-sided?

Advertisement

— Acceptance

Discouraged Fourth Wheel: I often wondered why my friends would confide in each other but not me before I started therapy. In therapy, I learned that people confide in people who confide in them. Our vulnerability makes them feel closer to us. You can’t make them open up to you. Turn instead to your own behavior. Try telling them about things that happen in your own life. It’s really hard to confide in someone who is really invested in maintaining their own facades.

Also, if your wife is telling you about these events later, they probably know this is getting back to you and are okay with this — for whatever reason they don’t feel comfortable talking about it face to face. Pressuring them is going to have exactly the opposite effect; it’s just going to make them clam up.

— Open Up

Every week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s installment here. New questions are typically posted on Fridays, with a Monday deadline for submissions. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.

ncG1vNJzZmivp6x7uK3SoaCnn6Sku7G70q1lnKedZK6lwsicnGhqYGeAcHyVaGlqZ5OWv7C42KdkoZmoYr%2BmrcOeqaxlla2wrcHDnptmm5%2Bqva2xjJ%2Bpop2emcBw